Subject: One Liners --- More of early Henny Youngman --- Those were the days.

 

Remember some of the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days?

 

Great comedians such as: George Cohen, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others.  They never had to use one single swear word to be considered funny and their humor was terrific.  Here are some examples from their routines.

 

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night!  I finally had to let her out.

 

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"  The man says, "I make a good living."

 

I just got back from a pleasure trip.  I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

 

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.  If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

 

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?   "Honey, I'm home!"

 

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

 

We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.

 

My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed.  My wife called it the Dead Sea.

 

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.  She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

 

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."  Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

 

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!  "Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!  What did I tell you?"

 

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand." The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

 

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. Doctor: "Don't answer!"

 

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

 

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?"  The bum said, "I don't know!  You're the one that's working!"*